How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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