Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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