he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
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Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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