Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
