She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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