just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I woke up under a house in Key West
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