His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
is that a dick in a sweater?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
