My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
