Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
