Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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