OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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