the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
