dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i will never coherently bang her
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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