Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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