i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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