first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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