Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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