I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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