hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
