youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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