Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
