So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
