Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
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Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
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Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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