my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
