you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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