you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
