I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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