I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
