I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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