oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i love accidental penises.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
