drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
