I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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