I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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