You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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