I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
