I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
