I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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