You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
