He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
