Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
