i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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