everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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