how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
