Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
