so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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