I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
