i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Randomize
