I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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