Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
