Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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