I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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