i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Is it because I queefed?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
