last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
