do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
