I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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