I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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